I grew older
L Vargas

Sometime between being pushed in my stroller on a hunt for pinecones and this very moment, I grew older.

Sometime between then and now, I ceased to look through the rear-window of my parents Buick Riviera as dad's Camels flew out the window at 70mph and exploded on the asphalt at 1:30 in the morning in towns like Amarillo Texas. I can recall pretending dad's weeds were X-wing fighters exploding in space after being gunned down in their battle with the evil Galactic Empire. Now I can only think of why I should quit smoking as my own camels shatter on the road in my rearveiwmirror.

Sex has become a way to rate a lover rather than something dreamed of and wondered about. I remember the first breast I felt and my premier French kiss. Masturbation has become something to joke about with the guys instead of some deep, dark secret. Somehow, it is all-different now.

School has been replaced with work and expulsion means fired. Teachers are now supervisors. The weekend has become any two days off in a row and there is no summer vacation. Graduation equals retirement.

My Diamondback Silver-bullet has become a Honda Prelude and I had to buy insurance for it. Accident results are no longer skinned knees, now it is multiple fractures.

My body has become something to care for. I have watched as my stomach grew fat and my face lost its "little boy look" I wait for my hairline to recede and aches and pains never before experienced.

The ability to pretend is much weaker now. I have lost my desire for an adventure. GI Joe has little significance other than nostalgia. I watched "red Dawn" the other day and it was corny.

Death, once strange and mysterious, is now almost routine. Gone are Thom, Roy and my darling Caroline. I walked in to get my haircut one day and my barber was deceased. I do not anymore blow off crippling disease or strokes. I have realized the fragility of life.

Now, I can look at youth around me and see beauty instead of wondering what the big deal is. I want to teach them things and warn them of what lies ahead. I dot because I didn't listen so why should they?

I am closer to thirty-five than sixteen and halfway to fifty-two.

I have to find out on my own things my parents told me years ago.

Life keeps rolling and carrying me with it...